I’ve been back and forth about sharing this one, because it isn’t my usual post, but I’ve gotta be a little honest, I’ve been having some dark days. What’s a dark day? Well usually it begins with a thought, a bitter or disappointing memory – a regret. And it swells.
Because the truth is I have regrets. I’m not talking about the kind of regret you have over eating too much pizza, or having an especially embarrassing moment, (for someone with some social anxiety those are a whole different story, by the way) no. I’m talking about the kind of regret that stems out of missed–or not taken–opportunity, broken relationships, misunderstandings. I’m talking about the kind of regret that I still feel because when I was growing up and trying to become friends with people, I still froze up and couldn’t talk no matter how much I willed. That’s what I’m talking about.
Go back nine years. I know; that’s a long enough time for regret to still feel so raw. But I knew a girl and she gave me a crash course in being socially proper – I’m pretty sure I didn’t pass because after all this time I still think about what an absolute… I don’t even have a word to describe what a dysfunctional friend I made. I get on these ‘What if’ rabbit trails that go round and round thinking about how I could have opened my mouth and just. Talked. Instead of sitting there like an awkward yeti. And I vainly wish I could just have one more chance to say what I really, really mean – and would it make a difference, or just show me once again the awkward yeti unable to let the past be the past and fumbling under my carpet of self-preservative fur (I’m not actually hairy).
And a lot of people I once called friend have walked out of my life, some bitterly, some simply on their own direction. But this one person is different, and maybe it’s because it was part of a major shift in my life and everything might have been different had I done things differently, or maybe it was because they were the first person not related to me (read: expected to like me) and not thousands of miles across the globe that actually showed genuine interest in being my friend. And I had so little value to add.
I don’t think I have the words to explain how deeply that runs, and I still wish I could explain what I know now to them – but now our paths are far distant and it doesn’t do to tear stitches.
So what now? Honestly, I don’t have any kind of answer for that one. Usually after musing a while something comes to me, but I’ve been musing about this one for a long time and I still don’t know. I don’t know how to let the past pass; I don’t know how to not think about what could have been.
So Jesus…I have some more things to learn. I don’t know why this has weighed down my heart so heavily, especially recently – but I’d really like to have an idea and put it to rest; it’s not a light burden for me. Hide me under the shadow of your wing again and bring me back to a place of peace and rest. I just want to stand in your beauty.